Alone

Looking at people around me getting along.
And I'm single and alone.
Things just seem to be something missing.
Hate this feeling a lot.

I can't recall the feeling of dating, or courtship.
It seems that girls that I interested end up not available.
I guess that it's just not the right time and right one for me.
So when will it be? I have no idea.

I'm not very desperate for relationship.
But I wanted care and sharing feelings to.
Am I ready? Well I just hope that start of with just friends.
I have no girls that wanted to do so.

Alone, alone and alone.
Guess that's how the way it should be.
Perhaps career is my the only things I've to pay attention.
Sigh~

Life is like a coin.

Life is like a coin, there are 2 sides on it. Head and tail. Which 1 would you prefer? Head or tail? But you must realize that it's still a coin.

Same to our life, we got problems, issues in our life that get our head spinning around and around. We tend to look at it as a problem that is too big for us to bear, we cried, we depressed and finally we gave up on it. We neglected the other side of the issue. No matter how bad is the situation, forever there are a good side of it that keep us moving on.

Lately I have some issue with myself, I look into it and found out that what I wanted and it turns out to be the other way round. I invested time, money and effort hoping it will bear forth fruit like what I planned. It turn out to be a seed that still 'asleep'. I tried and I tried but nothing seems to be change, it remain sleeping.

I was upset why it never grow up as according to what I planned, I was depressed too. But then again, my friends told me about it and I tried to look in a different way, to my surprised, I found out that it's the way I look at it is wrong and I can't force the seed to bear forth fruit in the wrong time. It needs time, the right time to flourish!

What I learnt today, problems is not that bad if you look in a different way, never say never. Before you judge and comment on something or someone, make sure what is the truth. Never speak out of anger and resentment, holding grudge will not help you but it hurts you even deep. Understand why the person thinks how he/she think, if it's wrong then try to talk to them. Never force them to change even it's the best for them. Let go of the string that you attached to them, allow them walk themselves even they might fall. In due time, they will learn. Stand beside with them when they fall, pull them up and walk with them again.

Overcomer or Surrender?

Positive or Negative?

Transform or Conform?

Head or Tail?

Light or Dark?

Memories..

I strongly believes that there are reasons that specific things happen in our life, it's to equip us to face the future. To me, life is like video game. We are brought into the world as a character that is unique and play the story that prepared by God. Just like "The Sims", we create our own image and build relationships, work, marriage & kids till old and die. That's the game.

Look more details, our life have different levels and stages. Each every level have couple of stages that we need to go through and will lead us to the next level. For example, if you can't make it through level 1- stage 1, you can never go to level 1- stage 2. Just that simple, but many of us just can't understand this fact. Even you understand, but it is not easy for you to pass a specific task.

For me, well last time it has always been family, friends and studies. But I've already done with it, I'm pretty much closer with my mom just like friends. Friends? I do have some great friends around me, someone that I can pour out my feelings and just cry in front of when I'm done. How bout studies? Oh well, that's the biggest issue of my life. Studying isn't my thing, I hate theories, I hate calculation, I hate philosophy, all I have is my common sense and that get me to where am I now.

The most hottest topic of all "BGR". I do not have partner and I don't think that I'm well prepared. Ever since the last relationship thing, disappointments, arguments, quarrels, hatred, sadness...... I kinda give up now on that, nevertheless memories stays. I've watch tons and tons of movies, I really don't get it, after break up, why that actor can't forget about the actress, but now I finally get it. MEMORIES.

I realize that, even after break up, memories remain sweet and loving. Suddenly today I browse through my pictures, I saw all those pictures that we took, laughter, smiles, hugs and kisses, it's just priceless.

It's almost a year after the break up, I guess. Looking at her always talking about how good is her bf, I do admit that I'm not happy when I listen to those but still I've wish her the best cause this is the reality. Just wondering what about me? I don't think I need any relationship, but just someone that is close enough to share my ups and downs.

The journey is tough, but if I get over it, I will be in the next level. I'll be more mature in handling my problems and relationship, hope that I won't repeat my mistakes in past relationship. I don't wanna waste another 5 more years and realize that things not working out.

I guess I won't be taking relationship seriously till I think I'm ready for it. Let's say... perhaps 28? 30? Will I get married? Seriously, I'm not sure about it, I've been doing serious thinking and not really into it, hopefully someone can change my mind. By the way, average life span of a Rock Star is expected to be 40. If I don't have a partner I guess I don't mind that's my last birthday.

It doesn't matter how old you die, as long as you had a meaningful life.

奇怪呢。

我已经把我心里的话说了，可是有时候还是会想。
应该把东西收起来吗？
钱包也换了，已经没有看到照片了。
可是回忆不能除掉。

看她开心也应该祝福她吧。
我现在要好好的忙音乐。
如果有人行赏我，
就来找我吧。

Life is unpredictable..

Sometimes I think that, I might be the only person who lives in a bad situation, not having the things that I should or just not fair to me. I never realize that there are people who are having much bad condition compare to me.

Today, I came across this video going to a small village in Africa. It's heartbreaking while looking at it. I know that at a certain area in Africa is not developing and rather "dead". But then this video is worse, kids there are not having proper food, nutrition, barely enough water to survive.

At the beginning of the video, when they 1st step into the village, there they saw kids lying down on the floor! Not playing with sand or doing anything but it's cause they are unable to stand up, their bones can't support their weight. What they can do is just to crawl around the place.

After watching the video, I really felt that I'm far lucky than that. At least I don't need to starve myself and I have a proper place to stay.

Thinking about going where to have your dinner? Sushi for lunch? And Starbucks for high tea? Spending Rm100 just for a dress? Complaining that you don't have enough money for yourself? Think again.. They don't even have ANY...

PMS?

糟糕，最近发觉我的心情不稳定。
为了什么？我也不知道。
突然回想以前的事情。
真的另我很反感。
有谁能了解我的心情？

我身边有很多朋友，
可是不觉得我会告诉他们我的感觉。
最近我的乐团很忙，
功课也不停的增加。
我以为我不会再想，
其实我在骗自己。

有很多我想不开的事，
为什么有些人能很快的忘记过去，
而我不能呢？
我也想能有一个好开始。

是我在骗自己吗？
我能忘记过去吗？

到底怎么了？

上课，读书，吃，喝，玩，乐，睡。
可是觉得生活好像少了一些东西。
到底是什么呢？单身是好还是坏呢？
当我觉得不开心，心事也不能随便告诉别人。
真的又累又辛苦。

有时候朋友说话伤害我们的心，
该不该告诉她呢？
我想还是别告诉她吧。
反正我俩认识不久。
跟女生交朋友有问题吗？
可能我比较热情吧，吓到她了。

我很闷啊！

Hmm...

I've been away for almost a month. Didn't feel like blogging because feel that people reading my post and felt that my secret is not safe. I'm blogging not because wanted attention from people but a space to release my feelings.

It's 1am now, I still can't sleep. Examination period now I should have study but I really don't feel like it. The more I get involve in music the more I'm carried away by it. ARC is doing quite well now, got quite a lot of positive feedback from friends. And of course thanks for their support too, without it ARC wouldn't make it far as it today.

ARC is now in the midst of designing band T. So hold on to it because soon enough you will see some incredible nice band T on streets. It's gonna be some design from professional not those pasar malam type. He is the official designer for Mayhem fest this year. So, we all expect it to be some great stuff on the way!

Anyway, back to studies, I felt so dry nowadays. Studies is getting more boring, money is always an issue. Wanna be a Rockstar and leave my studies behind. Exams exams exams.. 2 down 4 more to go. 10 days of exam war. I must survive!

Going to sleep and fight for it again tomorrow!

Boring

Another day, tired yet I'm unable to get sleep, assignments not really the main problem that stuffing my throat. Just a lot of things are playing in my mind.

What actually I wanted appear to be far away from what I expected, now seems like everything so far apart. Emotions are hard to control as things doesn't run according to the way I wanted.

I think the best way for me to do now is just to do what I'm suppose to do and stay focus. It's always easier to say than to be done. Tough stuff that is. I hate the feeling when wanted something desperately but I just can't get it. The more I want, the more I don't get it. Ish.

If only others see what I saw. If only others feel what I felt.

Forrest live a happy life even he is slow, but life seems so easy for him. How I wish that I were like him, mentally slow, naive and happy go lucky.

God knows what is the thing in my mind, I'm waiting for the answer for everything. Patience...

Dilemma

Humans are fascinating, we just can't make up our mind sometimes. Why and what do I mean? 1 solid example that proves it.

When we are still schooling, we always complain about studies. We want to get out of the place and start working and earning our 1st million dollar. Finally, we graduated and make our 1st step into the society, only we realize that how precious is our schooling moments. And hope to go back where we started, too bad, we can't.

Not just about education. A lot of things in our mind stuck and seems to be nowhere out. We just can't make up our mind!!

I hate "impossible" very much. This word always bug us and tell us what we can't do or achieve even you have the greatest dreams in the world. But because of it, we doubt, we struggle and we give up. Our mind always project the negative things that can happen to us all the time, we need to learn and control it. Telling ourselves that success is just around the corner, keep it up and work on it. Keep pressing on!

I have relatives, friends and family members who smokes, A LOT. They come and told me that they never wanted to smoke as smoking is very bad for their health and they can feel the effects on them. But still they smokes, and their reason is it's IMPOSSIBLE to quit smoking as I've smoke more than 10 years. Let me put this into another situation.

When I read the newspaper and found out that girls been raped and murdered, I'm angry and I wish they rot and burn in hell. I hate their action so much and I won't accept it into my life, I'll build up a strong solid wall against it.

Same goes to smoking. If you think you hate smoking, just stop smoking. If you aren't quiting it, you just not hate it enough to stop.

Anyway, people around me always complaining their life, work sucks, hate to study, and so much more. You got no idea how many people are struggling to live, not getting any education, and not employed lead to family destruction.

So stop complaining life is not fair, because life IS not fair! Jesus never gets a chance for fair treatment from mankind anyway, so live with it. Do what you really want to, live your life to the fullest, get yourself some buddies to share your ups and downs, control your thoughts and emotions. We only got 1 life for, a glorifying ones.

There will always be sun shine after the storm.

When things turn upside down, doesn't go the way you want, didn't meet our goals, the whole world turning against us, keep in mind, there will always be sun shine after the storm!

It's already few days over the dramas, when the least I expected, miracle happens. It's not by how good I can speak to a person but how sincere I'm towards them. My efforts paid off!

I always believe that friendship is something that we held on tight to our heart and it shall bear forth fruits! Even roses have torns, it's beautiful yet dangerous. Friendship is like a rose, when we 1st meet up and friendship just flourish and everything seems to be well, but without you knowing it, you'll get yourself hurt if accidentally touch its' torns.

Today, I experience the different side of friendship, did something that I never thought I would. Being honest, pouring out our feelings and talk to each other, nothing fishy or agenda but purely feelings, we made it clear that none of us take this friendship lightly.

What kept us wondering around in the wilderness which is the mind of conservative, especially Asians like us. Keeping our feelings and hiding it from everyone, trying to act like we are fine but we are not. Americans showed their love to their partner openly so that he/she knows about it. Why must Asians hide it? Is it something embarrassing?

I urge that we will all show the person we love and care how much they meant to us. Trust me, you'll encounter miracles!

To you~

Relationships are a bed of roses (at least it is to me back then). When it's over, it's just over and I know it's very hard to accept it because we tend to keep it in our hearts, no matter what, it's still something that very precious to us. When we are in relationship, our partner is everything, we eat less, sleep less and spend most of our time together.

When it's over, I look back and it's fun, sweet, sad, disappointment, happy, anger and all. There are no words to express my feelings. It's confusing. I love to look at her smile when she is happy, I'll do everything for her just to see a smile on her face (although it's nothing to her). I really hope my relationship will last long enough till the moment I'll go back to my Father in heaven.

Looking back at the issues that we quarrel & fight, really seems like 2 small little kid fighting for candy. We point our fingers at each other and saying bad things about each other. Small issues like, i spent not much time with her, not sacrificing for her, not willing to travel, dirty and lazy. So much more.

Back then, these issues really get on my nerves because she nag me non stop. But when it's over, she no longer nag me, she no longer complain, she no longer fight with me. Is it an end, or just another new beginning?

Now, I'm standing here, myself, feeling that it's just me against the world. Life seems to be messed up because of relationship. The funny thing here is that all those issues aren't a big deal at all because she cares. I know I cant be a good bf, leaving her is the best choice and it's the right choice.

She deserve someone better than I'm. At least now I know that I wont be a burden for her like she said.

I never understand the real meaning of this statement "If you love a person, you don't need to own her" now i know why. Looking at her having her friends with her, and people who loves and care for her beside allows me to release it peacefully.

This really something that I kept inside my heart for a long long time, I've been through counseling, scolding, advicing and so much more. But it's still inside my heart because I'm serious, just that I never expect it to end. Maybe it's just we are not meant to be together.

Love is not a bed of roses (now I finally understands it), thanks for everything that you have done for me, taking care of me, looking after me, our snoopy and so much more that we have gone through. I can never say enough thanks to you.

I still remember Pangkor, church camp (where my life start to change), your birthday party for me, lending me money when i'm not having enough, and fetching you to ICOM. All these I will never forget, and I'll keep all these in my heart forever and ever even my future partner ask me to forget it.

My best of wishes to you that may you found your partner that you looking for. God bless you. I will grow up and move on, you don't need to worry about me. ^^

Love,
Vern

When things turn wrong.

I'm stuck with my assignment which appear that need my help so much and they became so dependant on me. Not much of effort from some of them and appear to be me, the camera guy, take up so much job which more than what I'm supposed to do.

But I'm fine with it, as long as the assignment can be accomplished before the due date which I seriously doubt of the quality of the music video. Things just get out of control and out of hand. Piss me off so much!

Today suppose to be the happy and wild day as this is the 1st day of emerge. But seriously I don't feel so due to the amount of stress and friendships affair. All of this is driving me crazy when I'm trying real hard to balance my emotion while hanging around with a bunch of people that get so EMO or upset of certain reasons. It ruins my day totally! You can make fun of me but I can tell you that you messed with the wrong guy.

Am I the only 1 that really know how to control my feelings in front of others? Does showing out feelings in front of others really help? Banging the table? Throwing tantrums at others? Walk away from the group without telling others that people who are concerning after them?

Why it turns out so wrong? Or am I trying too hard to show and set an example to them? Should I just cut off from them? Should I just mind my own business?

To whom it may concern, I, hereby to give out a serious warning. Do not test and push my patient, when it reaches the limit, I guarantee that it would not be a nice thing to look at!

New room

I moved to a new environment, it's a small room located at ss2/20, so this is my permenant hideout! LOL!

You wont believe this, I spent half a day to move to my new room from Genting Klang to SS2. 2 trips by my mom's Proton Wira. Before I move, I was thinking that my stuff should be less, but when I really pack I realise quite a lot of things that I bought over the years! Give me headache thinking what should I move or throw.

*Before* (Picture 1)

(Picture 2)

Moving into my new room already took half of my day, well the rest of the time was busy cleaning up my room and also put things into place. That took me another 3 hours! And now it look like this!

*After* (Picture 3)

(Picture 4)

Well, it's not perfect yet for the moment, but i guarantee you it'll look much nicer after some time investing money on it! LOL! That's for now!

Back

So I started to blog again...

I was a blogger back then, but everything change when I shifted to my new place (where I stay now). So didn't have the habit to blog after that because the internet connection was very very bad, Joey experienced too (roommate).

I didn't really see myself in where I am now to be serious. Finished Diploma and now Degree. Everyday doubt that I can make it through or not. But well I believe that I can because I know He is there to help me anyway.

Gonna move to SS2 end of this month! New environment, gonna adapt to it. No more mamak with Joey and roommates and far away from my CG members. This really gonna take some time! But I heard that my new place got 4mb internet connection, so I guess it's not that bad afterall.

To my CG, well I'll try y best to come back once awhile to visit you guys (except for CG). Asking my mom for a bike, if I got it then at least I can travel back! Then it's not really a problem! Let's pray hard for it! I know God has a plan for me! Gotta learn to be patient though I don't like it (I don't think anyone like it too).

It's Thursday! Tomorrow gonna be my exam! Yet I still sitting CC to on9! Gonna repent! So after this back home to study! That's all for now...